by Nathan Hoobler (webmaster)

Back to Jaw About Odyssey

The Critics are in on Bizarro AIO:

"Hilarious...pokes fun at just about every Odyssey Oddity and mannerism" -- Dan Shane
"Classic...Kudos to Nathan...brilliant" -- Marshal Younger
"As one of the bizzaro people on the Odyssey creative team, I thought this was very funny." -- Lissa Johnson
"It was wonderful.  I kept on laughing."  -- Joni Slade
"I love this Script. I wish someone would produce this." -- OdysseyFan
"I thought your script was absolutely beautiful" -- Anthony F. Strand
"It's hilarious!" -- Anna
"It was funny how it pointed out all the loose threads in some of the characters..." -- Ramsgoalie

The script below is meant as a parody of Adventures in Odyssey.  Before you read it, though, I must explain that this is not meant to blast the writers of Adventures in Odyssey, nor is it meant to make fun of the program.  It is simply a tongue-in-cheek way to bring up some of the parts of the AIO picture.

Adventures in Odyssey: "The Pretty Normal Day"

SCENE 1: Whit’s End – Footsteps on the pavement are heard. The footsteps come to a door and stop. After looking around for a moment, the man opens the door and hears the sound of a pleasant bell.

Man: Hmm…A bell?

Child: Yes, a bell.

Man: Whoa, where did you come from?

Child: Nowhere. I’m an expendable. I come and go wherever the plot needs me. You mentioned the bell?

Man: Um, yes.

Child: Convenient device, eh? Let’s the radio audience know when someone comes in. Great idea, if I do say so.

Man: Radio audience?

Child: Oh, I shouldn’t say anything…bye.

Man: Uh, bye.

A familiar voice is heard.

John Avery Whittaker: May I help you? Oh! You must be the new guy!

Man: Uh, yeah, I guess. My boss just told me I was supposed to work on this program called, uh….Adventures in Gotta See…uh… (He reaches in his pocket to get a piece of paper.)

Whit: Adventures in Odyssey?

Man: Yeah, that’s it!

Whit: Well, welcome to the program. I’m John Avery Whittaker, but you can—

Man: mean like the labels?

Whit: Well….yes…actually I never thought about it. Whom do I have the pleasure of addressing?

Man: I’m Bill.

Whit: Well, it’s nice to meet you, Bill. (to himself) We haven't had a Bill on the show for a while. (to Bill) Well, anyway, this is Whit’s End, an ice cream and discovery emporium that—

Bill: What’s an emporium?

Whit: Well, it’s a…a…hmmm. Hold on. Eugene! Eugene?

A strange-looking person rushes to the doorway.

Eugene (voice-cracking): Yes, Mr. Whittaker? How can I be of your assistance?

Whit: What does emporium mean, Eugene?

Eugene: Well, Mr. Whittaker, emporium comes from the Greek emporos meaning "merchant or traveler". It originally—

Whit: The short version Eugene.

Eugene: Oh, uh…a store with a wide selection of goods.

Whit: Thank you, Eugene.

Eugene: Welcome you are, Mr. Whittaker. And now I must retreat to the office to call Katrina. She may be coming to visit this weekend. (Eugene exits.)

Whit: Has it been twenty episodes already?

Bill (sounding confused): Twenty episodes?

Whit: Oh, yes. Katrina’s only around every twenty episodes or so.

Bill: But didn’t I read that they’re engaged?

Whit: Well, this is a kids’ show after all. Now, how about I give you a tour of the place, huh?

Bill: Uh, sure. But first, who are those strange-looking guys behind the glass over there?

Whit: Where? Oh, them. Those are the writers. We’ll meet them in a bit. Pay them no mind.

Bill: Okay…

They walk through the shop.

Whit: Here’s the old-fashioned soda fountain, where…

Connie: And here’s your shake.

Whit: Connie is serving ice cream.

Bill: Wait a minute. I thought the soda fountain was over by the door. It was just a minute ago. (He turns in a confused state.)

Whit: Oh, it was, Bill, but this is a radio show. If we need it over here, we can put it here, that’s one of the benefits—

Connie: Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Connie Kendall.

Whit: Bill’s a new character on the program, Connie.

Connie: (gasp) A new character? Really! Wow! Zowie! We haven’t got any new adult characters since (gasp), well, forever.

Whit: I think Bill’s only here for one show, Connie.

Connie: (gasp) One show? What! Are you nuts?!

Whit: I’m sorry, Connie. That’s what the writers said. (He gestures to the window where the men still sit.)

Connie: This never would have happened before the hiatus, why I—

Whit: Connie, we’ll talk about it later. Now, I was going to show Bill around. I’ll be upstairs if you need me.

Connie: All right. Welcome to the program, Bill.

Bill: Yeah, uh, thanks.

Whit: Come on, Bill. I show you the upstairs.


SCENE 2: Train Room -- The sounds of a train are heard. Whit and Bill are heard walking into the room.

Whit: Ohhh. Those stairs get higher all the time. Too bad this isn’t an episode where we have an elevator.

Bill: Yeah, uh, what was that sound just a minute ago?

Whit: Sound? Oh, the music? That shows that we were changing from one scene to another. You see?

Bill: Oh, yeah, of course. What’s this room?

Whit: Oh, this is the train room. The largest set in the county resides here. It used to be the largest in the one in the state, but then Connellsville got a bigger one.

Bill: Connellsville?

Whit: Yes, didn’t you come through it on the way in? Oh, you must have come in by Odenton. Well, Connellsville is the closest town; they seem to be in a constant state of undeclared war on us. Come on through this door.

They walk briefly.

Whit: And here’s the Bible Room. Notice all the displays. I designed this room myself.

Bill: Impressive.

Whit: Come on over here. This is my most popular invention.

Bill: Wow. What is it? It looks like a combination phone booth, hot-water tank, and helicopter cockpit.

Whit: Yes. If you needed to take a bath while making a phone call and flying to Chicago, you’d be all set. It’s called the Imagination Station.

Bill: Clever.

Whit: Oh, it looks like Cody is about to take a ride. Which program are you trying, Cody?

Cody: I think I’ll try the crucifixion.

Whit: Hmmm. We’ve already done an episode on that one. How about the announcement of the laws of marital purity from Deuteronomy?

Bill and Cody: The what?

Whit: Oh, we’ve done so many Bible stories we’re getting a little desperate. Oh, never mind. Use the crucifixion one. It’s one of our most popular. Climb in.

Cody climbs into the station. Lots of cool sound effects are heard. The door closes with an especially way cool sound effect.

Whit: Come on, Bill, let’s go over here to the control room.

Bill: Oh, okay.

Whit: From here we can see everything that happens.

Bill: What’s that monitor?

Whit: Oh, that. That shows me who’s inside. I kept having problems with people accidentally taking Imagination Station trips, I had to install one. The writers kept insisting that no one would notice if we kept having accidental trips, but I knew better.

Bill: Hmmm.

Whit: Watch the monitor to see what happens.

Bill: Okay.

Cody (through intercom): Okay, I’m ready, Mr. Whittaker.

Whit: Okay, Cody. Push the white—er, red button.

Cody: Okay. (He pushes.) Whoa! Whoa!

Whit: Here we go.

More cool sound effects are heard as the Imagination Station powers up and down. Bustling sounds of a busy street are heard.

Cody (through intercom): Wow. Where am I?

Whit (to Bill): Here it comes.

Passerby (through intercom): Hey, nice clothes. What’s your name?

Whit: Here it comes!

Cody: I’m Cody, from Odyssey.

Passerby: Oh, you’re from Greece!

Whit: Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, boy! Ha ha ha ha. Oh, it works every time! Ha ha ha ha! Ha! Oh, my. Ha ha!

Bill: Greece? There isn’t a city in Greece named Odyssey.

Whit: I know. Ha, ha, ha. Isn’t it wonderful? Ha, ha. Oh, my.

Bill: Yeah.

Whit: Well, we’ll let Cody keep going on his adventure and…oh, my!!

Bill: What?

Whit: Oh, no. The commercial break is coming up.

Bill: The what?

Whit: Commercial break. Quick, think of a good exit quote. Hurry!

Bill: Uh, um…

Whit: I’ve got it! "Oh, no! Something’s wrong. The Imagination Station could be broken!"


SCENE 3: Bible Room

Bill: Could be broken? It looks fine.

Whit: I know that. But the listeners don’t. We have to make sure they stay around until after the commercial break.

Bill: You loose a lot of listeners that way?

Whit: Well, I’m not sure. We used to have Chris come on say something intelligent like, "Will Whit find his pencil? Find out when our Adventures in Odyssey episode continues…"

Bill: Chris? Who’s Chris?

Whit: You don’t know Chris? Oh, that’s right. You came in after the intro. She’s the perky, upbeat one who introduces the shows. She comes on at the end to give the "life application message".

Bill: Life application?

Whit: Yes, so people will be able to apply an episode about the National Security Agency to their daily lives.

Bill: Oh, yeah, of course.

Whit: Oh, hold on. The commercial break is just about over. Here we go.


SCENE 4: Bible Room

Whit: Oh! I don’t think we’ll be able to fix it in time! Here! Hand me that ratchet!

Bill: Ratchet?

Whit: Oh, wait. There. I figured it out.

Bill: What was that all about?

Whit: You have to come back from a commercial with a bang or else you might—

Bill: Loose your audience. I got you.

Whit: Well, have you seen enough upstairs? Maybe we should head back downstairs. I have a sense we may be needed.

Bill: A sense?

Whit: Oh, yes. Don’t you know? I’m always at the right place at the right time. Some people think it’s just because I’m John Avery Whittaker. They don’t know that it’s actually because I carry a copy of the script around with me.

Bill: Right.

Whit: Come on. Let’s go.


SCENE 5: Downstairs at Whit’s End. The kids sound just like they did before the two went upstairs.

Whit (coming down the stairs): And, of course, the Middle Eastern archeology idea was a stroke of genius, pure genius. It made it possible for—.

Just then, Dwayne Oswald comes in the door.

Dwayne: Mr. Whittaker?

Whit: Dwayne...Your timing was a bit off. You aren’t supposed to come in the door until after I finish my conversation. It confuses the radio audience if I’m interrupted mid-sentence.

Dwayne: Oh, sorry, Mr. Whittaker, should I go back out?

Whit: No, no, that’s all right, Dwayne. So, what role are you playing today?

Bill: Role?

Whit: Yes, we don’t have enough kids for each to have their own personality, so each one has several. What’s yours today, Dwayne?

Dwayne: Minion.

Bill: What?

Whit: Oh, today, he’s playing sidekick to Jared DeWhite, the "conspiracy theory" one.

Bill: Oh, sure.

Whit: So, what’s the problem, today, Dwayne? I would offer you a drink from the fountain, but since you came in early I didn’t have time to get there.

Dwayne: That’s okay. I never drink it anyway. It’s just a convenient plot device to establish that we’re in an ice cream parlor.

Bill: Wow.

Dwayne: Well, yesterday I was on restriction, because—

Bill: Wait. On restriction?

Whit: Yes. That’s Odyssey-talk for having to stay home since you did something wrong and your parents are—

Bill: You mean grounded.

Whit: Well, I guess you could say that. Anyway, Dwayne, why were you on restriction?

Dwayne: We were in the lunch room and I saw this kid eating all by himself.

Whit: Ah, yes. A tell-tale sign that he’s lonely in Odyssey. Um, Bill, I don’t mean to be rude, but this might be a bit private. Why don’t you go over and get a drink or something?

Bill: Okay. (He walks to the soda fountain.)

Connie: Hi, Bill, what can I get for you?

Bill: It’s a surprise.

Connie: What kind of surprise?

Bill: If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise. Whoa, why did I say that?

Connie: Wow, Odyssey is rubbing off on you already!

Whit (coming to the counter): Well, that’s that.

Bill: You’re done with Dwayne?

Whit: Yep.

Bill: Already?

Whit: Well, it’s a twenty-four minute broadcast, Bill. Speaking of which, I think it’s about time for you to go.

Bill: Go? You mean leave? But I just got here.

Whit: Well, like I said, you’re only here for one episode and you’ve served your time, so it’s time to go.

Bill: But…

Whit: Oh, don’t worry, come on. I have some people I want you to meet.

Bill: Okay, Whit. But just so this isn’t some sort of trick.


SCENE 6: Long, Dark Hallway

Whit: Say, you’re getting better at that exit line stuff.

Bill: Thank you. Hey, where are we going, anyway?

Whit: Can’t you tell? We’re in a long, dark hallway.

Bill: Have you been reading the script again? I mean, where does this lead?

Whit: Oh, that. We’re going to the land of lost characters. That’s why it’s such a long walk. Many make this journey, but few return.

Bill: Why do characters have to leave, anyway?

Whit: Well, some grow up on the program, and—

Bill: But I thought Odyssey was in a time warp. I mean, Connie has been 16 forever.

Whit: Now, don’t exaggerate. She was only sixteen for eight years. (to himself) Forever, my foot.

Bill: But, I mean—

Whit: I know, I know. I don’t like it either, but you gotta listen to the writers.

Bill: Hey, that's right. I never got to meet them.

Whit: Oh, that’s right. So, sorry. They went for a board meeting in Chicago for my company.

Bill: Sounds like a convenient excuse.

Whit: Really? Well, it always worked for Jason and I. Well, here we are. (He opens a door.)

Bill: Wow. Who are all these people?

Whit: Well, over there are Oscar, Robyn, Melanie, and Lawrence. And over there is Jack Davis. He made the journey back through the passage once. There’s Danny Schmidt, Isaac, Sam, and well, who’s this coming to meet us? Why it’s Lucy Cunningham—er, Lucy Schultz—er, uh...

Lucy: Lucy Cunningham-Schultz. It has a hyphen.

Whit: Right. And there is…oh, no. Here he comes again.

Bill: Again?

Whit: Yes, it’s…

Whit and Lucy: Regis Blackgaard.

Dr. Blackgaard: Oh, Mr. Whittaker, it’s about time you came down here.

Whit: What are you doing today, Blackgaard?

Dr. Blackgaard: The same thing I do everyday! Trying to take over the world!

Bill: Wow.

Dr. Blackgaard: Now, Whit, you’ve got to convince the writers to let me out again. There are so many loose ends to my saga left.

Whit: I’ll mention it to the writers, but I don’t think they’ll want to after that last fiasco in the Imagination Station.

Dr. Blackgaard: That wasn’t my fault! I had a bad script. Now, come on, Whit. Look at me with a straight face and tell me that you don’t want to hear my laugh again. Here, I’ll demonstrate.

Whit: Not now, Blackgaard.

Bill: Wait a minute. Is it Blackgaard with a "ck" sound or without?

Whit: Oh, Bill. The writers of this show don’t know. The "ck" sound hasn’t been popular since they dropped it back in By Dawn’s Early Light.

Bill: Okay, sure. Now, before I go in, there’s just one more question. Who is that over there?

Whit: Where? Oh, him? Don’t ask. That’s Officer Harley, but I wouldn’t try to figure that out if I were you.

Bill: Um, okay. Well, I guess I’ll go explore this new land.

Lucy: Come on, Bill. I’ll show you around.

Dr. Blackgaard: Yes, and so will I. I’ll tell you about the time that Whit and Connie were in Chicago and just happened to get their computer mixed up with… (their voices fade.)

Whit: Ah. Another episode done with. And he didn’t even ask me about Oscar’s last name.


The End.