Jenny: "Say what you mean,mean what you say thats my motto." - Jenny
Monty: "Go stick your head in the snow thats my motto."
-- "Monty's Christmas" (Contributed by Anne)
"My fishing hole is deader than...a dead thing that's dead." -- Tom Riley in "Ice Fishing" (Contributed by Angie)
"How nice...a small Eurasian rodent known as a hamster, from the German hamstera." -- Whit in Eugene's version of the story in "Mandy's Debut" (Contributed by Alec)
Jason: "Hey! I'm an American! I've got connections in the American Embassy!"
Louis: "I don't think anybody's listening."
Jason: "Oh, they're listening all right. They just...don't care."
-- "Shining Armor" (Contributed by Chloe Anna)
"When you waste your time, you waste your life." -- Gregory in "Gloobers" (Contributed by Robyn)
Erica: "They're looking at me...they must like my hair!"
Aubrey: "Yes, it's very...patriotic..."
Erica: "So when are you going to do something like this with your hair?"
Aubrey: "Maybe in about...a hundred years."
-- "Under the Influence" (Submittted by Robyn)
Alex: "I must have died and gone to heaven!"
Cal: "You must have died and not even noticed."
-- "Grand Opening" (Submitted by Daniel Jara)
Bart: "I am here on official business!"
Wooton: "Official business, wow, should I put on a tie?"
Bart: "No, that won't be necessary."
Wooton: "Oh, good, cause I don't have a tie."
-- "The Popsicle Kid" (Submitted by Robyn)
Karen: "I think the doctors think I'm gonna die."
Donna: "They do?"
Karen: "Yeah. Maybe I will. It's okay."
Donna: "No it isn't, you can't die!"
Karen: "Sure I can. You will too one of these days. But see, that's what I've been thinking. No matter what happens now, we'll be together again, because we both love Jesus. Sooner of later we'll be in Heaven, and then we'll have all of forever to be friends. I think that's kind of neat, don't you?"
"And so, my question is blunt, what is truth? For truth, truly true truth, is found in the cow, in the strawberry, and the giant tooky tooky bird. In all of us is found truth, in our left earlobe it is found, in our belly button it is found...." -- Mystic Mountain Lion in "The Great Wishy Woz" (Submitted by Amanda)
"It would be funny, if it wasn't so...unfunny" -- Nathaniel Graham in "O. T. Action News: Battle at the Kishon" (Submitted by MermaidEve)
Edwin: "I'll call a cab. Preciously how do you call a cab, Shakespeare?"
Shakespeare: "With a phone, sir."
-- "Break a Leg" (Contributed by Paul Brown)
"Yes, Mr. Whittaker, I jest not! I burst into the room and said it would be a great mistake for Mrs. Shanks to marry Mr. Shanks! (pause) Who's that laughing in the backround? (pause) Well, tell Jason that I don't share his sence of humor." -- Eugene on the phone in "The Right Choice" (Contributed by Sam and Gracie)
Lawrence (telling a story while he's suppoesd to be co-hosting a ball game):
"...It turns out there's about 10 dollars worth of Barbie accesories in
our drain. My cousen was visiting a couple of weeks ago, and I guess she figured
she needed a new wardrobe. Anyway, that was pretty embarresing."
Jimmy: "Are you done?"
Lawrence: "Yeah, That's it."
Jimmy: "Well, thank you for that very, VERY long story. Now to bring our audience BACK up to date, we are no longer in the fifth inning - we are now in the ninth..."
-- "And the Glory" (Contributed by Alice)
Luis: "Those guys our going to eat our dirt."
Jason: "That's eat our dust."
-- "Shining Armor" (Contributed by Paul Brown)
"...Before I knew it I was at a house at midnight stuffing a VCR in my pants. I know it was midnight because the VCR kept flashing twelve, twelve, twelve." Jerry Harry Larry Garry Perry in "The Devil Made Me Do It" (Contributed by AIOfan)
Kid: (in wimpy voice): I wanna be a disc jockey, Brad; can I audition to be
a disc jockey?
Brad: Yeah, go ahead. Try reading this.
Kid: Uh, okay, I'm ready to read. (clears throat)
Kid: (in adult voice): Today in the news, the President signed a bill--
Brad: You're hired!
-- Kid's Radio (Contributed by JeremyA0)
[Rings doorbell, door opens]
Mrs. Randolph: Wooten, is that you?
Wooten: Oh, it sure is, Mrs. Randolph; I got a package for ya.
Mrs. Randolph: Oh, why where on earth have you been? You know I haven't seen you here in three days!
Wooten: Oh yeah, yeah, I got a new job working for Speedy Package Express now.
Mrs. Randolph: Well, I sure do miss seeing you every day, honey. Oh, look at that package. You wait right here a second while I fetch my glasses.
Wooten: Oh no-no wait, I-I just need you to sign for this.
Mrs. Randolph: Why Wooten, what seems to be the big hurry today?
Wooten: Well, I have to deliver these packages lightning fast, that's all. And I gotta lot more to deliver yet; uh, sign here please.
Mrs. Randolph: Now you know I never sign anything without reading it first.
Wooten: Oh yeah, that's right; okay, go ahead and read it then.
Mrs. Randolph: Well, as soon as I find my glasses...
Wooten: No, wait! Uh, here, I'll read it to you so it'll be faster. (Clears throat) "This is to certify that this package arrived unharmed--" uh, uh and some other stuff; now sign here.
Mrs. Randolph: Okay now, let me get my pen...
Wooten: I have a pen!
Mrs. Randolph: But, this isn't my special pen.
Mrs. Randolph: So you sit still, and let me fetch it.
Mrs. Randolph: Why don't you come in and tell me how you've been while I look for it, okay?
Wooten: Well, I really can't, Mrs. Randolph; see I'm in a hurry and I have to get these packages delivered.
Mrs. Randolph: Oh, here are my glasses!
Wooten: Ohh, okay...
Mrs. Randolph: Oh, look. It's from my granddaughter in Kansas.
Wooten: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mrs. Randolph: Today is my birthday, you know.
Wooten: Oh sure, yeah, of course I know it's your birthday; sign right there.
Mrs. Randolph: Well, now aren't you going to sing me your birthday song?
Wooten: Oh, Mrs. Randolph...
Mrs. Randolph: Pretty please...?
Wooten: Oh yeah, oh-oh okay. [singing really fast]: Today is your birthday, happy, happy birthday; today is your birthday, happy birthday, hey!
Mrs. Randolph: Well, you didn't do the dance!
Wooten: Oh, Mrs. Randolph...!
Mrs. Randolph: Oh, now birthdays only come once a year, you know. That's why they're so special.
Wooten: Oh... okay, okay. If you take the clipboard and sign your name, I'll be happy to do the dance for you.
Mrs. Randolph: It's a deal! Hand it here.
Wooten: Okay, here goes. [singing and dancing]: Today is your birthday, happy, happy birthday; today is your birthday, happy birthday, hey! [Splits pants] Uh-oh...
Mrs. Randolph: [Laughing hard]: Oh, Wooten. You just gave a whole new meaning to doing the split!
Mrs. Randolph: By the way, my grandson has Power Boy boxers too! [Laughing harder]
Wooten: Oh, Mrs. Randolph...
-- "Welcoming Wooton" (Contributed by Jeremy Almond)
Jason: "So aren't you gonna say it?"
Jack: "Say what?"
Jason: "I told you so."
Jack: "Okay. I told you so."
Jason: "You didn't have to say it."
Jack: "(Laughing) You just told me to. You feel better?"
Jason: "No. Jack, why uh why don't you just tie me up and lock me in the closet?"
Jack: "I didn't realize that was an option."
-- The Last Resort (Contributed by Scott Thomas)
Tom: "Say, Whit, got any special plans for tonight?"
Whit: "Well, as a fact, I do have something planned."
Tom: "Ah ha, got some company coming over huh? Somebody special maybe?"
Whit (laughs): "Well, In a way it's company. I plan to spend the evening with a cup of hot cocoa & Robert Louis Stevenson."
Tom: "The writer? He's coming to your house?"
Whit: "No, no, no, no Tom. He's not actually coming here. You see, he's dead."
Tom: "Dead? I didn't even know he was sick."
Whit: "No, no, no. He lived in the 1800's."
Tom: "Oh yeah, that's about 3 block's north form here, ain't it?"
Whit: "Oh no, I mean he's be dead a long time."
Tom: "Well, he's not going to be much for conversation, is he?"
Whit: "Well, I'm not gonna talk to him."
Tom: "Well, then whatcha having him over for?"
Whit: "Tom, listen, I was talking about a book. A Robert Louis Stevenson book."
Tom: "Isn't that kinda rude?"
Whit: "Whaddya mean?"
Tom: "Well, your gonna spend the whole evening reading, how ya gonna pay any attention to your guest?"
Whit: "Oh, Tom."
Tom: "Oh I get it. You're gonna read out loud. Is that it?"
Whit: "Oh, never mind, Tom."
-- "Promises, Promises" (Contributed anonymously)
Cal: "So you think he's a secret agent?"
Alex: "Eugene Melstner? I don't think so. Secret agents wear sunglasses and drive around in cool cars. Eugene wears coke bottle glasses and rides around on a bike."
-- "Red Herring" (Contributed by Paul Brown)
(Cryin' Bryan Dern is being forced to play 24 hours of non-stop polka on
Odyssey 105 because they have to beat Q94 in the ratings this year. An annoying
polka song has just ended)
Dern: You know I was thinking about it an I wonder if maybe that song needs something. I don't know maybe: WORDS! And I think the accordion player could use A SEDATIVE! OK, let's take another caller. We're playing the "What could possibly be more annoying than this music" game. Caller, go ahead...what could possibly be more annoying than this music?
Caller 1: Ah, getting your teeth drilled?
Dern: Wrongo. Next caller.
Caller 2: How about those Zit Cream commercials?
Dern: Wrong again, next caller.
Caller 3: Yeah, if you really hate polka so much, you should turn to Q94. They've got some great music and you could win a big screen TV in their "mystery artist" contest. (PAUSE) Hello?
Dern: Ooh...I think we have a winner! My friend, YOU are more annoying than this music!
Caller 3: Cool! Do I win something?
Dern: Ha, I'm just going to play another song. This one's called... the Cheboygan Shuffle. (Music begins to play) Somebody knock my out; I'd like to be unconscious for a while.
-- "Top This!"
Rodney (asking why Connie won't go out with him):"Why not?"
Connie: "Do you want me to list them in alphabetical order or in order of significance?"
-- "Green Eyes and Yellow Tulips" (Contributed by Katie "Skillet" B.)
"Dwayne, it looks like you're going 'down in history'!" -- Cody Carper in "Faster than a Speeding Ticket," after Dwayne received a 'D' on a history test (Contributed by Katie "Skillet" B.)
Cody: "He said Connie would help me posthaste. What does 'posthaste' mean?"
Katrina:" Very fast. If you'll excuse me, I need to go see Eugene."
Cody: "Posthaste. She's sure moving posthaste. Maybe Mr. Whittaker can help me posthaste. I like it."
-- "The Graduate" (Contributed by Katie "Skillet" B.)
Jared: "Dwayne, I've got a feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach,
called a gut instinct!"
Dwayne: "Could have been those tacos we had for lunch."
-- "The Spy Who Bugged Me" (Contributed by C W Frito)
Rodney: "So if you don't not know, then you do know! And if you KNOW,
that the answer isn't NO, then you know that there's NO WAY you can KNOW I broke
Connie: "Um.. okay. Alex, would you like to cross-examine?"
Alex: "I'm still trying to figure out what he said."
-- "Broken Window" (Contributed by Dublon Prower)
Connie: "Eugene, you brought you ukulele."
Eugene: "Indeed I have, Ms. Kendall."
Bernard: "But we hope you'll all stay with us anyway."
-- "New Years Eve Live!" (Contributed by Dave)
Rodney Rathbone (to Judge Connie Kendall): "Do I look like I'm stupid?
(pause) Strike that from the record!"
-- "Broken Window" (Contributed by Paul Brown)
Shakespeare: "Love Antonio, I'm in love."
Bart: "What is thy name of thy fair creature to whom you have given you heart?"
Shakespeare: "Her name is Porsha."
Bart: "Porsha? Your in love with a car?"
-- "The Merchant of Odyssey" (Contributed by Meleah Rubino)
Bryan Dern: "Bart...is that your real hair or are you wearing a hair piece?"
Bart Rathbone: "Only my hair dresser knows for sure."
-- "Tom for Mayor" (Contributed by Paul Brown)
Jimmy Barclay: "The crowd is going wild!"
Lawrence Hodges: "That's right, Jimmy. Not only is the crowd going wild because Odyssey is one out from winning, but because hotdogs just went on sale for half price!"
-- "And the Glory" (Contributed by Jeremy Sauer)
Mandy: "You made a great sheep."
Bernard: "How can you say that? He had one line, 'Bah.' And he missed it because he got his hoof caught in Jesus' sandal.
Eugene: "Mishaps are when true talent is most prominently displayed, Mr. Walton."
Bernard: "Oh? So what talent were you displaying when you fell off the stage?"
-- "Mandy's Debut" (Contributed by Jeremy Sauer)
Whit: "I can prove to you logically that I'm not even here."
Kid: "Come on! You're here! I can see you."
Whit: "No, I'm not. You want me to prove it?"
Whit: "Okay. Now, I'm not it Cincinnati, am I?"
Whit: "And I'm not in Buffalo, am I?
Whit: "And I'm definitely not in Detroit. You agree?"
Kid: "I agree."
Whit: "Okay. If I'm not in Cincinnati, Buffalo, or Detroit, I must be someplace else, right?
Whit: "Well, if I'm some places else, I can't be here, can I?"
-- "Promises, Promises" (Contributed by Paul Brown)
John: "Look, I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot, apart from the
one in my mouth. (chuckles) Maybe we should start over. I'm John Avery Whittaker,
but my friends call me Whit."
Jenny: "I'm Genevieve Morrow, my friends call me Jenny. YOU can call me Genevieve."
John: "Oh, uh... oh. Genevieve."
-- "The Triangle" (Contributed by JeremyAO)
Connie (after Eugene gives her some advice): "I don't want to hear it
you... you... YOU YOU!"
Bart Rathbone: "Boy, you really put your foot in it that time. Is she always that snippy?"
Eugene: "You have no idea."
-- "The One about Trust" (Contributed by CyberSteve)
"This means that I'm off the hook from having to cater to Connie's bad play....Eugene's ukulele....Jack's bad bogart...and Charles' belly button! I'm free! Ha ha! I'm free! Free at last!" -- Edwin Blackgaard in "A Class Act" (Contributed by Boni)
Mustafa: "And to you, I bestow the greatest honor of all."
Jason Whittaker: "Homecoming king?"
Mustafa: "American humor."
-- "A Name, Not a Number" (Contributed by Boni)
Cal: "Break your neck."
Bernard: "Ah, thanks...I think you mean break your leg."
Cal: "Oh, right."
Bernard: "Uh huh."
-- "Nova Rising" (Contributed by Paul Brown)
Eugene: "After I refused to let them mangle my hair they got another actor
who's, how can I say it?"
Connie: "A geek, Eugene. The actor's a geek."
Connie: "It's the only thing about this film that's accurate."
Eugene: "I beg your pardon!"
-- "A Day in the Life"
Mitch: "Hi my name is Robert Mitchell but people call me Mitch. What's
Connie: "Mitch, I mean Connie. My name is Connie...Connie."
-- "Green Eyes and Yellow Tulips"
Trevor (reading Lieutenant Mitchell's diary): "Dear Diary, Today I was
lying in a grassy meadow, and I saw a fawn running beside a babbling brook.
And low, I am that fawn..."
Lieutenant Mitchell: "Uhhh, can you skip over that part, please?"
-- "Soaplessly Devoted" (Contributed by Alexa)
Eugene: "I'm so sorry Katrina. I couldn't have been more embarrassed if
somebody had painted my face blue and asked me to appear before a congressional
Lounge singer: "Or they could have you playing in a dump like this. Oops! Hey! Just kidding folks! Who loves ya?"
-- "The Right Choice" (Contributed by Alexa)
Gideon: "God has another adjustment in mind."
Gideon's assistant: "Glad you brought that up. You see, 30% of the remaining men thought the idea was crazy. 30% thought the idea was really, really crazy. And, 30% thought the idea was really, really, really, really crazy!"
Gideon: "What about the other 10%?"
Gideon's assistant: "They were in too much shock to respond to our public opinion poll!"
-- "BTV: Obedience" (Contributed by Jeremy)
Katrina: "Kiss." (She kisses Eugene)
Eugene: "Please. Not in front of the door."
-- "The Graduate" (Contributed by Dave)
Chris: "What we talked about, remember? The thing you always hear me say?"
Marvin: "Oh yeah. Our executive producer's a real pin-head."
-- "Cousin Albert" (Contributed by Dave)
"Shoppers! Don't forget our specials on blank video tapes five dollars
each or three for twenty. Bargains everyday here at the Electric Palace!"
-- Bart Rathbone in "Not So Trivial Pursuits" (Contributed by Paul Brown)
Dale Jacobs: "Posters..."
Whit: "You want posters?"
Dale Jacobs: "No, no, no. Melanie."
Whit: "Melanie wants posters?"
Dale Jacobs: "No, no. On..."
Whit: "She's on a poster?"
Dale Jacobs: "Want..."
Whit: "She's on a wanted poster?!"
-- "The Second Coming" (Contributed by Dave)
Sarah Prachett: "Look, Mr. Whittaker! I pierced my own ears, just
like you said!"
Whit: "Oh! Very good, Sarah! Your parents will be so proud!"
-- "I Slap Floor"
Connie: "Oh, hi, honey! I missed you!" (They kiss.)
Whit: "Could you two please not do that in public?"
Connie: "Well I don't think its inappropriate to give your fianc?e a peck on the cheek."
Eugene: "We're getting married posthaste...tomorrow in fact."
Whit: "Are you crazy?"
Eugene: "Well why should we wait? There's no point in a long, drawn-out, seemingly never-to-end engagement. Right dearest?"
Connie: "Right, honey."
(They kiss again.)
-- I Slap Floor (Contributed by Dave)
Whit: "I'll prove it to you. Look at this! I just came up
with a new invention. It's a flying machine made out of a big boat with
oars...and big helium balloons...and a propeller! We can use it rescue
Connie: "Uh huh."
Tom: "Why don't you take a nap, Whit?"
Whit: "Oh yeah?! Well, you'll all be sorry next time someone falls off a clock tower!"
-- I Slap Floor (Contributed by Paul Brown)
"Would any of you care to join Margaret and I tonight? We're dining on cheeseburgers and then...then we're going to watch that new action adventure movie with lots of explosions and automobile chases...hoo hoo! Looks exquisite!" -- Edwin Blackgaard in "I Slap Floor" (Contributed by Paul Brown)
Eugene (asking whether Armitage should tell his wife about the fake ring):
"Ah, do you think you should tell her? Won't she cry all the way
Armitage: "Are you joking? I'm the one who'll crying!"
-- "Wrapped Around Your Finger" (Contributed by Dave)
"Sorry, Jonah. But our consolation prize is a trip to the middle of the ocean where you?ll enjoy some deep sea diving and whale watching." -- Pat Filgis on "Who Wants to be Obedient?" on "BTV: Obedience" (Contributed by Jeremy Sauer)
"As the Bible says, don't look at the spam in your brother's eye, when you have a hog in your own...or something like that." -- Jared DeWhite in "Something Cliqued Between Us" (Contributed by Michelle)
"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of middle-aged school boys?" -- Harlow Doyle in "The Telltale Cat" (Submitted by Dave)
Mandy: "Did you find a clue?"
Harlow: "No, I just bit my tongue, first time this morning too."
-- "Sunset Bowlawater" (Submitted by Dave)
Edwin Blackgaard: "There's something you'd like to do, Jack."
Edwin Blackgaard: "Really! How exciting. We'll all get out our magnifying glasses and have a look."
Jason: "They put everything on this Maxi-Deluxe Burger... except the burger!"
Connie: "Told ya!"
-- "For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll" (Contributed by Nathan)
Jimmy Barclay: "Hey Stewart, welcome to the world."
Donna Barclay: "Oh, Dad, he adorable."
Jimmy: "He kind of look like me."
Donna: "You need glasses. I said he's adorable."
-- "Unto Us a Child Is Born" (Contributed by Scott Thomas)
Jason: "Who are you?"
Jellyfish: "Well, my friends call me Jellyfish, but you can call me Jellyfish."
-- "The Return" (Contributed by Jeremy Sauer)
Eugene: "Mr. Holestein, you've already done more than enough!"
Mr. Holestein: "Anyone can make sausages."
Connie: "Oh, no. Not like this they can't."
-- "For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll" (Contributed by Emily)
Eugene: "There are answers in this machine, Miss Kendall. And I am determined
to find them!"
Connie: "Answers to what?"
Eugene: "To questions!"
Connie: (PAUSE) "Oh, really?"
-- "The Time Has Come"
Donna: "I was thinking that maybe while we?re waiting for the turkey,
we should do something special for Mom and Dad, since they?re sick in bed."
Jimmy: "We?re leaving them alone. Isn?t that special enough?"
Donna: "No, I was thinking of something else, something that might entertain them."
Jimmy: "Yeah, like what? Sing, dance, recite great works of poetry?"
Donna: "I don?t know. Think of something."
Jimmy: "I can?t believe it."
Jimmy: "You actually admitted that I know how to think."
Donna: "Don?t let it go to your head."
-- "Thanksgiving at Home"
"Eugene, you're about as much fun as a root canal." -- Bernard Walton in "The Fifth House on the Left" (Contributed anonymously)
Donna: "How many years have you been living here?"
Don Iowa: "On the island, we don't measure time in years, but in full moons."
Donna: "Okay. How many full moons have you been living here?"
Don Iowa: "About three years worth."
-- "Aloha, Oy!" (Contributed by Jeremy Sauer)
Connie: "So you don't have any ideas either?"
Eugene: "None what so ever. Mr. Allen can come up with anything for all we can guess."
Connie: "Well, I'm just dying to know what it is."
Eugene: "Miss Kendall, as I've so often observed in the past, and your own experiences con confirm it, curiosity in your hand is like a dangerous weapon in the hands of a maniac, out of control and likely to harm."
Connie: "Oh, yeah?"
Eugene: "To respond in kind, yeah."
-- "A Book by it's Cover" (Contributed by Scott Thomas)
"Think? Pray? Talk to the pastor?! Did Moses go for counseling before he crossed the Red Sea?" -- Jimmy Barclay, after his dad says he'll talk to the pastor about a job opportunity. (Contributed by Tayanita)
"Uh, just a minute Eugene, apparently Connie has a crush on me or something." -- Bernard in "Poor Loser" (Contributed by Sarah)
Bernard: "Before I get my ladder, how about some ice cream?"
Connie: "Oh, sure. What kind?"
Bernard: "Oh something like me...exotic with a touch of mystery."
Bernard: "Got any vanilla?"
-- "Mandy's Debut" (Contributed by Paul Brown)
John: "I'm John."
Micah: "John the Baptist."
Aubrey: "Hi, I'm Aubrey the Methodist...or Episcopalian...."
-- "The Big Deal (Contributed by Kristin)
Mary Mueller: "This is the kitchen."
Mandy: "Really? Where's the microwave?"
Eugene: "It's that large stone stucture there by the wall, though they call it a fireplace."
-- "When in Doubt...Pray!" (Contributed by Jeremy Sauer)
"I'm Micah son of Agun"
"Uh...I'm Aubrey daughter of Ben and Ellen"
-- "The Big Deal" (Contributed by Andy G. Harvey)
?Quiet, Jimmy! We?re taunting.?
? Phil McFarland in ?The Fundamentals? (Contributed by Gideon)
try a con job here and a con job there--here a con, there a con, everywhere
a con-con? ? Bernard in ?Any Other Name? (Contributed by Jason)
God could part the red sea couldn?t he have done the same with red tape?? ?
Tom Riley in ?Malachi?s Message? (Contributed by Linnea)
You'd be wise to let go of me.
Jason: Ooooh big tough angel. Why? What'll you do if I don't?
-- ?Malachi?s Message?
Turner, I just called to say, I can't talk right now!" ? Harlow Doyle in
?Harlow Doyle, Private Eye? (Contributed by JT Nashville)
should have known better than to try to talk seriously with someone who plays
basketball with his shorts.? --
Donna in ?The Vow? (Contributed by OdysseyFan)
Bernard: ?I keep telling people it wasn?t me. It was her.?
Old woman: ?Bernard you said you promise you wouldn?t tell.?
Bernard: ?Sorry, mom.?
-- ?Mandy?s Debut (Contributed by Paul Brown)
"I'm don't mean the Times! I mean a real paper, that sticks up for the little guy by printing nasty stories about the big guy. A paper that stands for Truth, Justice and the American Way, all for 35 cents at your local Grocery Counter." -- Bart Rathbone in "The Other Woman" (Contributed by JJ Crockroft)
"Vote for me, and you'll get exactly what you deserve!" -- Bart Rathbone in "Tom for Mayor" (Contributed by Emily)
"There are two things ya better learn about me and fast. Number 1: I don't like bein' questioned and 2: Nobody questions me, ya got it?!" -- Jellyfish in "Gathering Thunder" (Contributed by Jonathan Young)
Upon hearing that Headlock Harry, Trigger-finger Troy, and Silver Saddle-Slapper
Stephanie refuse to pay the money they owe and have beaten their messenger...
Wes Chester: "I don't reckon it's ever good policy to trust people who put violent idioms in front of their first names."
Matt Cartwood: "Where's the messenger now?"
Jeremy Cartwood: "In the ranch house. They're dressing his wounds."
Wes Chester: "Must be using ranch house dressing."
-- "Over the Airwaves"
Sherri: "Erica, where have you been? It's nearly dark out."
Erica: "Looking for a job."
Sherri: "Really? But how'd you get to town?"
Erica: "I took a bus."
Sherri: "You took a bus? You are desperate."
Erica: "Yeah, and it was weird. I got asked out on dates by old men. Can you believe that?"
Sherri: "Eww, like how old?"
Erica: "I don't know, in their twenties, I guess."
-- "Why Don't You Grow Up?" (Contributed by JeremyA0)
Rodney: "I wasn't doing what it looked like I was doing, honest Mr. Riley."
Tom: "What are you talking about Rodney."
Rodney: "Taking your apples and breaking your fence. I mean that's what it looked like I was doing, but it was an accident."
Tom: " Which was the accident, taking my apples or braking my fence?"
-- "An Act of Mercy" (Contributed by Lisa)
Jack: "Ah, do you have any...dinner plans?"
Joanne: "You're picking me up at seven."
Jack: "Really? I mean yes! Okay!"
-- "The Decision"
Bart: "I'm returning a book I borrowed."
Connie: "You borrowed a book?"
Bart: "What? You don't think I read?"
Connie: "Oh, no...of course you do. What's it called?"
Bart: "How to get organized. I found it under some junk."
-- "Rewards in Full" (Contributed by Paul Brown)
Johann Schmingy (after winning lots and lots of polka CDs): "This
is the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me in my life."
Bryan Dern: "Play it long, play it loud Johann, and my deepest apologies to Johann Schmingy's neighbors."
-- "Top This!" (Contributed by someone with a long name)
"In a certain area, there lived a trio of swine. Who struggled to construct protective domiciles from the imminent attack of the malevolent canis lupis." -- Eugene Meltsner in "I Want My BTV!" (Contributed by Steve)
"I'd rather pull out my fingernails with a pair of rusty pliers." -- Bernard Walton in "Last in a Long Line" (Contributed by Bryanne)
Jared: "I do want to change the world. In fact, I want to take it over."
Jared: "Bye, Mr. Whittaker."
Whit: "Bye Jared. Jared taking over the world. Now that's a scary thought."
-- "The Buck Stops Here" (Contributed by Paul)
Chris: "Hi this is Chris and on today's adventure in Odyssey we're going
to learn about..."
Dave: "Sorry to interrupt Chis."
Chris: "What's wrong Dave?"
Dave: "Well I was just wondering if you were still driving that blue, formerly in mint condition Datsun."
Chris: "Formerly in mint condition?!?!"
Dave: "Well you know I think once the tail light is broke it couldn't really be called mint anymore.......maybe an off mint."
Chris: "What!?! My tail light is broke?"
Dave: "Yeah. I think it broke when the rear right finder bent left."
Chris: "You're kidding me. What would make my rear right finder bend left?"
Dave: "Uh, probably the telephone poll you parked next to. See when your car hit the telephone poll it pushed your rear right finder to the left and broke your tail light."
Chris: "Dave. Why did my car hit a telephone poll?"
Dave: "Well do you remember that red formerly in mint condition Dodge I was driving?"
Chris: "Dave you should be thankful for today's Adventure in Odyssey."
Dave: "Oh really, why?"
Chris: "IT'S ABOUT MERCY"
-- "An Act of Mercy (Contributed by Audrey)
"I learned on TV--uh, in detective school that leaving the scene of a crime is yet another crime." -- Harlow Doyle in "Chain Reaction" (Contributed by HD, PE)
Harlow Doyle: "I am here to tell you right now that I will DIE before
I let this town be overrun by yaks!"
Nathaniel Graham: "No, Mr. Doyle..."
Harlow: "I hope I don't die as a result of being overrun by yaks."
-- "The YAK Problem (Contributed by HD, PE)
Harlow Doyle: "I'm undercover, disguised, incognito..."
Connie Kendall: "Harlow..."
Harlow: "Costumed, camouflaged, in a guise, deceptively dressed..!"
Harlow: "Made up! Masked! Masquerading! In a false front! Et cetera!"
Connie: "I've got the picture!"
Harlow: "Thank heavens, I was running out of high notes."
-- "New Year's Eve Live!" (Contributed by HD, PE)
"Hot dogs don't grow on trees, you know." -- Eugene Meltsner in "BTV: Grace" (Contributed by RMaxwell)
"You're the only guy I know who could ruin gratitude by saying thank you." -- Bernard Walton to Eugene Meltsner in "BTV: Grace" (Contributed by #1 Fan)
Eugene: "Howdy. An abbreviated form of the phrase How do you do, or in older English, how do you fare. In answer, Tom, I fare well, thank you."
Tom: "What'd he say?"
Whit: I think he said he's fine."
Tom: "Did I ask?"
-- "Connie, Part 1" (Contributed by Audrey)
Eugene: "Mr. Walton, I appreciate your concern, but I assure you that
I'm in complete control of my emotional faculties, and the departure of Katrina
will not impair my abilities to perform my duties either here or at the college."
Bernard: "Yeah? so it's been pretty tough."
Eugene: "It's been awful."
-- "A Little Credit, Please" (Contributed by Meleah)
Julie: "Why did it have to end this way? He was a likable
person. He enjoyed jazz, he was a good artist, he loved Zagnut bars, and
he couldn't spell definately. He wasn't that much different from the rest
of us. He deserved better."
Heather: "He was probably a nice guy."
Julie: "He didn't deserve better because he was nice. He deserved it because he was a person."
-- "A Lesson from Mike"
Robyn's Mom: "Look at this coffee table! Has someone
been tap dancing on it with cleats?"
Robyn: "You know what I was thinking..."
Connie: "Yeah...was someone dancing on the coffee table with cleats?"
-- "The Courage to Stand"
Harlow Doyle: "Can I have another cookie?"
Dale Jacobs: "No."
Harlow Doyle: "Oh."
-- "Harlow Doyle, Private Eye" (Contributed by Ken & Amy)
"Man, you were so un-hip back then it's know wonder ya ain't walkin' sideways'' -- Bart Rathbone in "Sixties Something" (Contributed by Kimberly Monday)
Clerk: "The bell works sir, but thank you for testing it for us, nice
Eugene: "It's a caftan, I've recently returned from the Middle East."
Clerk: "Delaware or Maryland?"
-- "The Right Choice" (Contributed by Shorty)
"Jumpin' whale gills Miss Turner, you better call the police!" -- Harlow Doyle in "Harlow Doyle, Private Eye" (Contributed by Carolynne Adler)
Jason: "Eugene, how would you like to take a trip to the Middle East?
Eugene: "I'd have to think about it. Okay, I thought about it lets go! By the way...your treat?"
-- "The Search for Whit" (Contributed anonymously)
"Why does everyone in the Bible sound like they were named during a sneeze?" -- Nick in "Bernard and Job (Contributed by Nathaniel Allison.)
Dwayne: "It's a brain!"
Dwayne: "It must have laughed its head off"
-- "Gloobers" (Contributed by Phil Martin)
"Dear Diary, buy mouthwash, dishwater soap doesn't have same minty freshness, Yours Truly, Me" -- Harlow Doyle in "Chain Reaction" (Contributed by Andy G. Harvey)
It's definitely 12 o'clock, 12 o'clock, 12 o'clock, 12 o'clock...Great Wholesome Crunchy Goodness! It must be noon!" -- Harlow Doyle in "Chain Reaction" (Contributed by Andy G. Harvey)
"Everyone should get what they want, when they want it without it costing anybody anything." -- Bart Rathbone in "Tom for Mayor, Part 1" (Contributed by Nick Grant)
"..I haven't bee so excited since hey came out with those self-adjusting squeegees!" -- Bernard in "Tom for Mayor, Part 1" (Contributed by AIOFan)
Dwayne: "Let's pretend for a minute that I don't know where we are."
Julie: "Are we lost?"
Dwayne: "I didn't say that, I'm just pretending. So if I didn't know where we were, would you know."
Dwayne: "Okay, then we are lost."
-- "No Bones About It" (Contributed by Joe Friday)
"Great bursts of tiny flavor crystals!" -- Harlow Doyle in "Chain Reaction (Contributed by Cody)
Tasha: "What are you doing here?"
Jason: "I got your message. I'm hear to rescue you."
Tasha: "Oh, and you thought the best way to do that would be to get yourself captured?"
Jason: "You know me, always keep 'em guessing."
-- A Name, Not a Number (Contributed by Wendy)
"See you tomorrow; if we don't die in our sleep." -- Bernard in "By Any Other Name" (Contributed by Justin)
"You look like guy who just invested a million dollars in eight track tapes." -- Bernard in "The Time Has Come" (Contributed by Jeremy Ruth)
"Welcome to our humble commode!" -- Doris Rathbone in "Family Values"
"I don't believe I've ever seen wiener dogs made out of soda cans before." -- Top This!
"The very idea of him using city funds to help people!" -- Bart Rathbone in "Small Fires, Little Pools
Eugene: "Whit's End. Is that a pun?"
Whit: "Well, kind of."
Eugene: "I hate puns."
-- "Connie, Part 1" (Contributed by JJ Crockroft)
"Grandpa Borealis is a suborn old dog. I think we should throw him some sort of bone." -- Bernard Walton in "Feud for Thought" (Contributed anonymously)
"He wants to write about Earth, not Mars." -- Sarah Pratchett in "Best Face Forward" when Jared asks if he can be in a book (Contributed by Kristina A)
Mr. Mifflin: "Well, as they say in show business, break a leg!"
Edwin: "Of course. Equal wishes for your various limbs as well."
-- "Terror From the Skies" (Contributed anonymously)
Regis Blackgaard: "After all these years I'm finally going to get it!"
Richard: "You got that right. He! He!"
-- "The Battle, Part 2"
Whit: "You have other friends, Eugene."
Eugene: "Yes, you and Connie, but I admire you and all I do is argue with Connie."
Connie: "That's not true."
-- "For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll, Part 2"
"I would be proud and honored to offer my meager ministrations as your most obsequies journeyman for whatever course of time you deem necessary, sir!" -- Eugene Meltsner in "Connie"
"Well! Stuff me with feathers and call me a pillow!" -- Bernard Walton in "The Time Has Come" (Contributed by Anne)
Connie: "You had more loopholes than a spaghetti strainer!"
Dr. Blackgaard: "Ah, yes...that Odyssian humor..."
-- "Waylaid in the Windy City, Part 2" (Contributed by Anne)
Eugene: "Our query is on the approach. I believe it would behoove
us to seclude ourselves post haste!"
Eugene: "They're coming! Hide!"
-- "Curious, Isn't It?" (Contributed anonymously)
Connie: "Did Mr. Holstein make these sausages?"
Eugene: "Ah, he says they're from an old family recipe."
Connie: "How old?"
-- "For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls" (Contributed by Mick)
Eugene: "You were going to work in... here?"
Richard: "Sure! Computers are my area of expertise, as they say. That and a good game of pool."
Eugene: "I'm slightly confused. I thought you were a counselor."
Richard: "I am. I'm a lot of things at this college. I watch over Nicky and a handful of other kids, and I work with computers. I'm what you call a Renaissance man; I dabble in a lot of things, okay with you?"
-- "Eugene's Dilemma" (Contributed anonymously)
"I want to play songs with titles that don't include cities in Wisconsin." -- Bryan Dern in "Top This!" (Contributed by Cori)
Dern (after 94 hours on the air): Let's have a moment of silence for...somebody.
Are we at war? Oh! We have a caller, we have a caller!
Caller: "Yes, my hamster's been kind of sick lately."
Dern: "Perfect! What's your hamster's name?"
Dern: "Great! Let's have about an hour of silence for.. Binky."
--"Top This!" (Contributed anonymously)
"Wow... I never knew my thumb could do this..." -- Cryin' Bryan Dern in "Top This!" (Contributed by Cori)
Eugene: "Uh, Mr. Whitaker, I double-checked the calibration on the freezer
thermostat. You were right, it was to close to the vent...so I repositioned
it... Then I attached it to the rear side of the auto in the back. Then I drove
to Tom Riley's farm and buried it by the old oak next to the pond, in hope future
archaeologists will understand more about our civilization."
Whit: "Very good, Eugene... You did what!"
-- "Harlow Doyle, Private Eye" (Contributed by Philip)
Connie: "You are SO hopeless, Eugene."
Eugene: "Well. . .for once, I must agree."
-- "Unto Us a Child is Born" (Contributed by Shianne)
"The bell works, sir! I'd like to work his bell!" -- Eugene in "The Right Choice, Part 1" (Contributed by Erin Joy)
Nick: "Here, drink this. I don't touch the stuff myself, but I heard it's
good for emergencies."
Lisa: "What is it?"
-- "Just Say Yes" (Contributed by Amy)
"Why don't you pack really light and take only the good reviews?" -- Dr. Regis Blackgaard in "The Return" (Contributed by Heather)
Dr. Blackgaard: "I want the place COMPLETELY deserted!"
Glossman: "But sir, I thought"
Dr. Blackgaard: "You're not here to think, Glossman; you're here to do as you're told! Now listen carefully, I'll speak slowly, and use small words so you'll be sure to understand..."
-- "Checkmate" (Contributed by Larissa)
Eugene (upon seeing no one will pick them up while hitchhiking): "Perhaps
we both need another strategy."
Bernard: "Perhaps you should lay down in the middle of the road."
-- "First Hand Experience"
Bernard (driving through Iowa): "Let's play 20 questions. That'll
make the time go fast."
Eugene: "20 Questions?"
Bernard: "Sure. I'm thinking of a thing. You have 20 questions to figure out what it is."
Eugene: "Is it corn?"
Bernard: "I don't want to play anymore."
-- "Second Thoughts"
"This is a screen test to see how you look and sound."
Eugene: "And if I can act."
"Well, it doesn't much matter for these films."
-- "The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1"
Hollie: "Derek, what are you doing here? I thought you were in the hospital."
Derek: "I ignored doctor's orders, ripped out my own I.V., and jogged two miles to come here and say this to you. I love you."
-- Actors on a soap opera in "Soaplessly Devoted"
Jason: "Glossman? Who's Glossman?"
Eugene: "He's the rather dubious personality who keeps trying to, how shall I say it?"
Connie: "Destroy Odyssey."
-- "Moving Targets"
Erica: "I can be any age?"
Whit: "Any age."
Erica: "I wanna be real old. Like...22."
-- "Why Don't You Grow Up?"
Jack: "I was thinking about this show, too."
Edwin: "There's something you'd like to do, Jack?"
Jack: "Well, yeah. I'd really like to play a tough detective type. I'm even trying to grow a mustache. See?"
Edwin: "Really? How exciting! We'll all get our magnifying glasses and have a look."
-- "A Class Act"
Eugene: "If we're allowed to put in suggestions for our big performance,
as it were, then I have a character that might suit my particular gifts."
Edwin: "Really? You want to play a particular kind of turnip, Eugene?"
-- "A Class Act"
Edwin: "Have you seen what's going on in there?"
Shakespeare: "Not on purpose, sir."
-- "A Class Act"
"What is it, Miss Minnion? Can't you see I'm having a over-dramatic fit?!" -- Edwin Blackgaard in "A Class Act"
"Eugene, I would recommend that you find a very large sledgehammer and destroy your ukulele with it." -- Edwin Blackgaard in "A Class Act"
Connie: "But according to the description, I'm a whiny teenager who bosses
everyone around and couldn't write my way out of a paper bag."
Edwin: "Is that what it says?"
Edwin: "I'm sorry! That should be 'wet paper bag'."
-- "A Class Act"
"I don't reckon we oughta trust people who put violent idioms in front of their names." -- "Over the Airwaves"
Jason: "Connie you're logic is your own."
Connie: "Thank you."
-- For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls (Contributed anonymously)
"I think I'll grow a mustache!" -- Eugene in "A Little Credit, Please" (Contributed by Lindsey Nicole Goode #1 fan)
Connie: "I know, I know just friends but I don't mind telling you I don't
believe a word of it. I know about these things, Eugene. You like her more than
as a friend and denying it won't change my mind!
Eugene: "Of course, don't allow the facts to get in the way of your opinion."
("Naturally, I Assumed...", contributed by Erin)
Connie: "Oh, Tom, the phone is ringing."
Tom: "It's as bad when I am in the bath."
-- "Opening Day" (Contributed anonymously)
Title of book in "A...Is for Attitude": Happiness is a State, but You Can't Get There from Here
"The name is, Bond, James Bond" -- Jason in "A Name, Not a Number" (Contributed anonymously)
Bernard: "J-O-B, Job"
Nick: "I hate to tell you this, but J-O-B spells job."
-- "Bernard and Job (Contributed anonymously)
"Don't get all bent out of shape...It's just...ME!" -- Richard Maxwell in "Checkmate (Contributed anonymously)
"I'll bet people have nightmares about you." -- Bernard (about Eugene) in "Curious, Isn't It?"
"The poor woman didn't even have a spaghetti strainer. And you, sitting there in your ivory towers, how many spaghetti strainers do you have? Three? Four? Even... I bet you have more spaghetti strainers than you have packages of spaghetti!" -- "Share and Share Alike" (Contributed by M. Smith)
Rodney: "What's this thing?"
Bart: "It's called a napkin."
Rodney: "What's it for?"
Bart: "Ya' use it to wipe yor mouth"
Rodney: "Why can't I use the back of my sleeve?"
Bart: "'Cause you'll get it dirty."
Rodney: "Won't I get the napkin dirty?"
Bart: "Yeah, but it's washable."
Rodney: "So's my sleeve."
Bart: "Just tuck it in, Rodney."
Rodney: "Okay, I'm tuckin', I'm tuckin'."
-- "Family Values" (Contributed by Ansen and Luke)
Jellyfish: "You brought Lucy HERE?"
Jellyfish: "I don't believe this... Of all the boneheaded, moronic, idiotic things to do!"
Rodney: "Hey! What was so boneheaded about it?!"
-- "Checkmate" (Contributed by Dawey)
"I'm going home now he makes my fingers hurt." -- Connie is "...It's a Wrap!" (Contributed by Sarah)
Edwin: "No, not Regis! Edwin, the actor."
Bart: "Doris, it's only the actor."
-- "Welcome Home, Mr. Blackgaard"
"Well that's just ducky Mr. Donkey." -- Edwin in "Welcome Home, Mr. Blackgaard"
"That was a song sung by a singer." -- Bryan Dern in "Top This!" (Contributed by Jeff)
Station Manager Casey (after Bryan Dern has spent his 94th hour on continuous
broadcast): "Come in tomorrow morning...we need to talk about what were
going to do next
we have to do something even bigger than this."
Bryan Dern: "Hah Bigger? What do you have in mind? Do you wanna run me over with a tractor on the air? You wanna me to do an entire show while lying on a bed of nails?"
-- "Top This!"
"Im just around here to wash windows and get handcuffed." -- Bernard in "Suspicious Minds"
"I think your heart is in the right place. Your brain is missing in action, but your heart is in the right place." -- Bernard in "Suspicious Minds"
Eugene (intending to wire a zapping device to the cash register): "I used
to do this to my parents to help them loose weight."
Bernard: "You must have been a joy to have as a child."
-- "Suspicious Minds"
Bart: "Can I call you Brad?"
Bryan: "Sure, but my name is Bryan."
(later) Bryan: "What kind of clues are we talking about here, Brad?"
-- "Treasure Hunt"
Bart: "I played with toy guns when I was a kid and look how I turned out.
Bryan: "Well, Im sure you parents find those words encouraging"
-- "Treasure Hunt"
David: "I owe a lot to my 119 operator. I couldnt have done it without
her. Its good to know theres someone to help in an emergency."
119 Operator: "Im just happy to be here. Doing my part to keep people out of harms way."
David: "A comforting thought while I was panicking in the kitchen was that the person on the other end of this line really cares. She cares."
William Shattered: "Thousands of people like David are assisted each day by their local operators. They are standing by four you as well. Whenever you find yourself in a spiritual emergency, remember, Rescue 119."
-- "Hidden in My Heart"
"Space. One of the last places to be explored. These are the journeys
of the Starship Aerobicise, on a five year mission to explore strange new worlds.
To seek out new life with new spin off series, to saturate the market with action
figures and plastic pointy ears. Its star trip, starring William Shattered."
-- "Hidden in My Heart"
Captain: "Oh! The doors locked. Shall we try to break it down?"
Crock: "My personal preference is to avoid hurtling myself into anything made out of rot-iron."
Expendable crewman: "Ive been working out. Maybe I could break it down."
Captain: "Never mind. Ill shoot the lock."
-- "Hidden in My Heart"
Harlow: "What are you going to do to us?"
Bootlegger: "The only thing we can do."
Harlow: "You mean..."
Bootlegger: "Tie you up and leave you here."
Harlow: "That's not all you could do. You could kill us."
-- "The Boy Who Cried 'Destructo!'"
"Eugene...if you ever need anyone to talk to, call me...and I'll recommend some people." -- Bernard in "Small Fires...Little Pools"
"There's a lot I could say, but time has suddenly become very short, so rather than embarrass you by saying how much I've come to love you and how I'll pray for you everyday, I'd like to leave you with one simple thought: The best is yet to come." -- Whit in a letter to Eugene in "Gone..." (Contributed by Joy)
"As Marcellus says in Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 4, 'Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.'" -- Eugene in "The Final Conflict"
Connie: "You're a boy. Which naturally means that you don't know the first
thing about girls. I'm a girl, which..." Eugene: "...Naturally means
that you know everything there is to know about boys and girls."
Eugene: "What?!?" (in "Naturally, I Assumed...", Contributed by Luke)
"To borrow the colloquialism... " -- Eugene in various episodes (Contributed by Luke)
Crock: "'Thou shalt not grab jackets.' I'm not familiar with that verse."
Captain: "Maybe it's one of those new translations." (in "Hidden in My Heart", contributed by Luke)
Eugene: "Mr. Whittaker the lower level communication device requires your
Eugene: "Oh, um.... You are wanted on the phone downstairs."
"Greetings and salutations." -- Eugene in various episodes (Contributed anonymously)
"For every heartache... Don't self-medicate. Check into the 'Medical Center of Love'." -- Announcer on TV in "Soaplessly Devoted" (One of Marshal Younger's favorite quotes.)
"Why would Mr. Whittaker want to don the apparel of a primate?" -- Eugene in "Curious, Isn't It?" (Contributed anonymously)
"Whit, can you set Eugene straight before he gets hit upside the head with a manger!" -- Connie in "Back to Bethlehem" (Contributed by Adam Coulter)
"Ah...Whachacallit..." -- Mr. Zachary in various episodes (Contributed by Shawn Murphy)
Eugene: "Connie, far be it from me to give you advice."
Connie: "But your going to anyway."
Eugene: "Well, of course "
-- "Malachi's Message"
Katrina: "Do you want me to give a list of examples?"
(Katrina begins to give examples.)
Eugene: "No! Not really! But I appreciate you bringing it up when I am feeling discouraged."
-- "Malachi's Message"
Jack: "He said he's an angel."
Jason: "Well, sure, I could say I'm a kumquat, but..."
Jack: "But it's obvious you're not a kumquat, Jason."
-- "Malachi's Message"
Eugene: "Greetings all! ...er, why are you all looking at me like I just
grew a third nostril?"
Eugene: "What!? I have grown a third nostril?"
-- "Wrapped Around Your Finger" (Contributed by SCWoody)
"You had more loopholes than a spaghetti strainer!" -- Connie, about Dr. Blackgaard, in "Waylaid in the Windy City" (Contributed by SCWoody)
"I lost my temper and threw a kid into a volcano." --Zachary in "Do, for a Change"
Madge: "Your face. What is it?"
Guy: "Oh, it's this little thing I keep on the front of my head, a couple of eyes, nose, a mouth..."
--"Gifts for Madge and Guy"
Mustafa: "Why would a toy shop need a subsonic transmitter?"
Tasha: "It's cheaper than direct dial?"
-- "A Name, Not a Number"
"This is turning into old home week. Dear, dear Richard, did you escape from the detention center, or do they have you attached on a long leach?" -- Dr. Blackgaard in "Waylaid in the Windy City"
"Give up, oh please! Because the two of you have me surrounded? What are you going to do? Frighten me with rude expressions?" -- Dr. Blackgaard in "Waylaid in the Windy City"
"Richard, you can come along with me, or you can stay behind if that's your choice, but you get in my way and I'll squash you like the little bug you are. Remember that." -- Dr. Blackgaard in "The Battle"
IRS Worker: "My name is Leech."
Edwin (and Jack): "I'm so sorry."
-- "The Merchant of Odyssey"
Eugene: "I believe I just found a clue."
Jason: "In the bathroom?"
Eugene: "I do some of my best work there."
-- "The Search for Whit"
Captain: "Zuzu, what's our position?"
Zuzu: "We're pretty close, sir."
Captain: "And what's our present speed?"
Zuzu: "Really fast."
Captain: "Arrival time?"
Zuzu: "Uh, Not too long."
-- "Hidden in my Heart"
Captain: "We're not running low on expendable crewman are we?"
Zuzu: "I don't think so."
-- "Hidden in my Heart"
Eugene: "...a journey to myself."
Bernard: "Sounds like a pretty short trip."
-- "First-Hand Experience" (repeated in "The Time Has Come")
"You did it, darling." -- Soaplessly Devoted
"Picasso!" "Van Gogh!" "Garfunkle!" "We're the Teenage Black-belt Metamorphosaurs, Dude!" -- I Want my B-TV!
"I hug you. You hug me. We're a hugging family. Hi kids! I'm Blarney, the Rhinasaur! I hug you!" -- I Want my B-TV!
Connie: "I think it needs a bigger ending."
Bernard: "Oh, like what?"
Sam: "Maybe Percival goes out and gets hit by a bus!"
Courtney: "A bus?"
Sam: "Yeah! Then the moral could be look both ways before you cross the street."
Connie: "I don't think so, Sam."
-- "I Want my B-TV!"
"Coming to a Bible Classroom near you....Malt Bisby presents....The Lyin' Thing...Circle of life this isn't!" -- Announcer on "I Want my B-TV!"
Eugene: "Story-telling is not my coud ? mentre, if you know what
Connie: "Eugene, no one ever knows what you mean."
-- "I Want my B-TV!"
Connie: "Should I be worried?"
Whit: "I don't think so..."
Connie: "Good, because I'm not, but I don't want to miss out if I should be."
-- "Malachi's Message"
"Sounds about as much fun as a tube full of toothpaste." -- Bernard Walton (Contributed by Jeff of the Ultimate AIO Website)
"Hey Jared! Thanks for letting me play with your little plane!" -- Rodney Rathbone in "A Case of Revenge" (Contributed anonymously)
Whit: "Jared, don't you want to help your friend?"
Jared: "Not really."
-- "A Case of Revenge" (Contributed anonymously)
Mustafa: "On you I will bestow the greatest honor of all!"
Jason: "Homecoming king?"
-- "A Name, Not a Number"
"Well I guess that wraps up our Bible study for today. Sorry we didn't get to the actual Bible study." -- Jimmy Barclay, A Call for Reverend Jimmy
"Lieutenant Mitchell is a fake!" -- Soaplessly Devoted
Charles: "My poem's about pants."
Jack: "You did say...pants?"
Charles: "Yes, pants."
-- "Poetry in Slow Motion"
(After beaming-down to the planet of Olna.) "I lost my hand, I lost MY HAND! Oh, there it is." -- Captain in "Hidden in My Heart"
"They can turn themselves into any kind of being people, animals, snack cakes." -- Crock in "Hidden in My Heart"
"How...illogical of them." -- Crock in "Hidden in My Heart"
Regis Blackgaard: "...So I suggest that you run for your life."
Jack Allen: "You don't want to kill me."
Regis: "Oh, you fool! Why wouldn't I? Goodbye, Jack Allen!"
-- "The Final Conflict"
"I missed out on summer last year because I didn't do the dishes." -- "Chores No More"
"I've entitled tonight's discussion: Time is my castle and chores are it's dungeon." -- Julie in "Chores No More"
"The next section of my presentation is called Famous Dishwashing Accidents in history. Just as a warning, this section is not for the squeamish. What you are about to hear may shock and disgust you." -- "Chores No More"
(Rapping) "Chores are the hands that squeeze my neck! The twisted metal from an emotional car wreck! (They're not) with the bushel or even a peck, like having forty-eight cards in an unfinished deck! I so glad my name's not Melchizedeck!" -- "Chores No More"
"Allow me to quote from scripture: 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.' Now I realize that I'm not Jack and that wasn't scripture, but I think that pretty much says it all." -- Chores No More
Connie: "We'll be the nicest, friendliest people he's ever met!"
Jarred: "Can I help?"
Connie: "NO! I mean, yes, but, okay, you can be here..."
-- "Best Face Forward"
Eugene: "Today, Bernard beats me at chess, tomorrow, the earth revolved
around the sun!"
Connie: "Earth does revolve around the sun, Eugene!"
-- "Poor Loser"
Connie: "Eugene! You just ended a sentence with a preposition!"
Eugene: "Impossible! Prepositions are not words I end sentences with!"
-- "Poor Loser"
Derek: "Vote for Charles Van Horn! He's dino-rific!"
Jarred: "Sounds like an invitation to a three-year-old's birthday party."
-- "Natural Born Leader"
"I will now pass out your tests. No doubt many of you will pass out as a result." -- "Faster Than a Speeding Ticket"
Maxwell: "Mind If I give you a piece of advice?"
Jellyfish: "Why not?"
Maxwell: "When you're doing something like this..."
Maxwell: "Make sure you... lock the door! See ya!"
-- "Another Chance" (Contributed by Hannah)
Maxwell: "Maybe I've been playing fly-on-the-wall for the past few weeks.
And maybe Greg Kelly is a former acquaintance of mine who led me to Blackgaard.
And maybe I followed him, and maybe I saw him nab Connie. And maybe I know where
he took her, so maybe I can help."
Whit: "That's a lot of maybes."
Maxwell: "Six to be exact. But every one of them happens to be true."
-- "Waylaid in the Windy City" (Contributed by Hannah)